


Process

by onceandfuturekiki



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 16:46:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6528100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onceandfuturekiki/pseuds/onceandfuturekiki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vax's feelings for Keyleth, through the episodes, up to Crimson Diplomacy. A rough version of this was posted to Tumblr, but this is a far more polished and complete version.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Process

He wasn’t sure why he was so quick to jump at the opportunity to help Keyleth. And he wasn’t sure why he was so eager to take her request to help her carry some boxes into her room as an invitation to spend the entire week aiding her in her scrollmaking.

She’d never even actually asked Vax for his help with anything beyond the boxes, but he’d asked her what she was doing, which led to him asking questions about the process, which led to him spending the entire week by her side, following her directions and helping her as she diligently worked toward her goal.

Vax knew he wasn’t particularly helpful in this area, and he cursed himself every time he did something wrong, disgruntled and embarrassed in a way that, somewhere in the back of his mind, he recognized as excessive. Keyleth, though, would just smile at him, and she’d somehow make it work. He marveled at her ability to do that, to take all the shit he put out there and somehow make it better.

By the end of the week he was dealing with suspicious looks from Vex, who he hadn’t seen much of, as he’d been closed in Keyleth’s room, working on scrolls, and strange snipes about how she thought he was  _interested in Gilmore_. “Should I return the fine porcelain place settings I bought for the wedding and buy something more… earthy?” she had snarked, making Vax’s face turn red, even as he found himself wondering what exactly she had meant.

In the end, though, he didn’t really care. The week was ending and he was surprised to find himself feeling happy and light, in a way he hadn’t been in a long time

He convinced himself that the feeling only had a little bit to do with how brightly Keyleth had smiled when she thanked him for his help, her hand touching his shoulder in that genuine way she had that made him feel like he had made the sun rise. And it only had a little bit to do with how calming her presence always was, how being around her, and especially alone with her, made him feel like he could breath, like he could put all of the shit behind him and enjoy the moment. And it certainly only had a little bit to do with the way he could make her laugh, her face lighting up and the sound leaving her mouth like bells.

Yeah. No. It was only a little bit because of all that.

* * *

 

As they settled into their room at the guild hall, Vax noted the strange squeezing sensation in his chest, and the irritation that had been present since they’d parted way with Kashaw, causing his jaw to ache from the way he’d been grinding his teeth.

He noticed Keyleth looking at him out of the corner of her eye, sending worried glances to Tiberius, who was just watching him, a knowing, if unimpressed and slightly irritated look on his face.

It was all just so much bullshit. They’d stopped a Hydra from killing people and so they had to choose between going to jail and being tested so they could join this ridiculous guild? Sure, they had handled the Rakshasa just fine, but it was the principle of the thing, getting matched up with these people they didn’t know, who could be anyone, literally _anyone_ , like the husband of a goddess who wanted the whole world dead, and forced to work with them no matter how rude or sullen they were, regardless of whether or not they thought it’s was totally okay to just grab a person and kiss them without asking.

Though, really, he figured it wasn’t his place to be mad about that. He didn’t really have any right to be. If anyone had the right to be angry it was Keyleth, and she didn’t seem to mind.

For some reason, that thought made him grind his teeth harder, the squeezing in his chest tightening. He sprang up, unable to sit still anymore, and stalked toward the door. “I’m going for a walk,” Vax announced, only vaguely noticing how angry his voice sounded.

“Vax,” Keyleth said, her voice quiet and tentative. He turned to look at her, his fists clenching tight at the concerned look on her face. “I’m sure Vex is fine. I mean… I know you’re worried about her, but she’s with Percy and Scanlan and Grog. They’ll take care of each other, just like we did.”

Yes. Of course. That must have been it. He was worried about Vex’ahlia. That was the only explanation for his mood that made sense.

Keyleth’s words did nothing to soothe the squeezing sensation in his chest, though. He nodded at her, then left the room, heading out into the streets of Vasselheim.

He tried to let his mind wander as he walked through the busy area surrounding the guild hall, wondering what creature his friends were after and why it was taking them so much longer than it had taken his party. Vex was more than capable of taking care of herself, and with Percy, Grog, and Scanlan backing her up he knew she was in good hands. But he wasn’t the only impulsive one in their family, and his sister had a tendency to act before thinking as well, especially if there was some kind of treasure involved. And he wasn’t entirely sure their friends would be able to hold her back.

And what kind of people did  _they_  end up with on their journey? For all he knew, they got stuck with people far worse than Kashaw and Thorbir. How could he knew that some random people he never met would protect his sister and their friends? How could he know that these people wouldn’t do something to hurt them?

That line of though brought him back to his own group and their contract. Undercover work wasn’t something he’d ever really done before, but it had been surprisingly easy to play the role, with Keyleth on his arm as his wife. It seemed like it was rather easy for her, as well, to slide into the role, slipping her hand into the crook of his elbow, like it belonged there.

He couldn’t help remember the feeling that had come over him when Keyleth asked “would I be your wife?” It was like he wasn’t even controlling his own mouth when he responded with, “do you want to be?” He remembered the way a voice in his mind chanted  _please say yes, please say yes_  during the awkward, drawn out silence that had passed between them, even though he logically knew that none of it would be real. The lightness that had filled him when she said yes, making his toes and fingers tingle and a fluttering sensation occur in his stomach. The entire feeling was something that he couldn’t explain, no matter how hard he had been trying to quantify it in his mind.

Nor could he explain the uncomfortable, itchy feeling he’d experienced at the thought of Keyleth going by his sister’s name. He had absolutely no explanation for that, especially not when he was so comfortable taking on Scanlan’s name. The suggestion had sent him into a somewhat frantic state, his mind violently rejecting the notion of Keyleth taking his sister’s name. Tiberius’ help, however confusing and unconvincing his explanation, had been greatly appreciated as his mind had been floundering to tell Keyleth exactly  _why_  the idea of her pretending to be his sister was something that bothered him so much.

This entire experience with the Hunter’s Guild had just been confusing and draining, and he’d be happy when the rest of the party returned and they could put this all behind them.

As he came out of his thoughts, he found himself standing in front of the door to their room in the guild hall. He wasn’t sure how long he had walked around, and while his time wandering the streets of the city hadn’t done much to soothe his overall emotional confusion and aggravation, the tight, angry feeling had lessened, diminishing to a dull ache.

Through the door, he could hear Tiberius and Keyleth talking, the dragon teasing the druid about her kiss with Kashaw. Keyleth responded with an embarrassed, but happy giggle. Even as his vision was obscured by the closed door, he could see the blush creeping across her cheeks, the pleased smile on her lips, as she laughed, the words “Stop it,  Tiberius!” finding their way out between her giggles.

Vax’s hand tightened around the door knob as his jaw clenched and his teeth began to grind again.

* * *

 

“What the hell was that all about?” Vex asked, her conversational tone clashing with her confrontational words. The fire flickered over her face, the light from it illuminating her overly-uninterested face. Around them, the rest of the group slept, resting after the day’s adventure, letting the twins take watch.

Vax sighed, not in the mood for his sister’s questions. “What the hell was what all about?”

“Don’t play dumb with me,” she countered, no longer trying to sound conciliatory. “I’m talking about you diving into the lava after Keyleth.”

“We all dove in after her.”

“Yeah, but you went first.”

“Are you suggesting I should have just let her go by herself?”

“No, I’m not. I’m… URGH!” she grunted in frustration. “You know what I’m talking about. Stop playing games with me!”

“I swear, Stubby, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Vex turned to face him completely, her face hard and suspicious. “You didn’t even give it a second thought. Keyleth jumped into that lava portal or whatever, and a second didn’t even pass before you were grabbing my shoulder and looking at me like it was the last time you were ever going to see me and diving in after her. Which is weird, because I seem to remember you being pretty fucking afraid of lava, considering what happened in the Underdark.”

Shifting uncomfortably, Vax tried not to remember what had happened in the Underdark, the trauma that had left him with that fear, the pain he had experienced. His sister was right, of course. That incident had left him with an almost crippling phobia. Strangely, though, it was something that was only present in the back of his mind as the group had made their way to Pyrah, knowing that he was heading toward a volcano. And it hadn’t even entered his mind at all when he dove in after Keyleth. He hadn’t been thinking much at all beyond an instinct to follow the druid into the fire plane and protect her.

He wasn’t about to tell that to Vex, though. “You’re making a much bigger deal of this than it is.”

“Oh, well maybe you were still stuck in your little role-play of being married,” she spit out bitterly, reminding him of the work they had just finished with the Take.

Remembering that entire thing, pretending to be Keyleth’s husband, calling her his wife, walking around with her on his arm, it made his heartbeat pick up and his cheeks tingle, and he found himself fighting a smile. Then he remember seeing Kashaw pull Keyleth in and kiss her, and Keyleth kissing back, and the reaction she had after… his heartbeat continued at it higher pitch, but his teeth set together in a slow grind, his fist clenching around the dagger he was cleaning, the handle digging painfully into his palm.

Trying to clear his head, he focused back on the conversation with Vex, her nagging about him following Keyleth into the fire plane. “I would have done the same for anyone in the group. Even Grog.”

His lie didn’t do much to help ease his sister’s suspicions, evident by the set of her jaw and the narrowing of her eyes. He knew she wanted him to tell her everything: why he had been so ready to jump in after Keyleth, why his fear hadn’t given him any pause, why he’d been so eager to help their friend finish the next leg of her journey.

But he couldn’t give her answers he didn’t know himself. All he knew was that in that millisecond after he watched her body fall into the portal, Vax knew that he would follow her in, that he would follow her anywhere, even if it meant his own ruin.

That wasn’t really something he imagined Vex wanted to hear. And it wasn’t something he was comfortable sharing, either. Not when he had no idea what it meant.

When it became clear she wasn’t going to get anything more out of him, Vex let out a “harrumph” sound, standing and moving to be closer to Trinket, where she sat, giving him the stink eye from afar.

As he finished cleaning his dagger, Vax’s eyes wandered to where Keyleth slept. Her face was peaceful, as though a large burden had been lifted from her shoulders. The firelight danced in her hair, lighting up the golden red waves in flickers as it threw shadows across her face.

His hand tightened around his dagger even more, and when he looked over, Vex was watching him, slow and unhappy realization dawning on her face.

* * *

 

“Fuck,” he said, dropping his face into his hands as he heavily fell to his bed.

Vax should have been happy about the fact that he was alive after having come so close to death. And he was, but it was no longer the all-encompassing, mood lifting joy he’d felt earlier in the night. Once he and the party had arrived back home to the Keep, his mind had drifted back to what had happened with the Briarwoods, to laying on the ground outside of the palace, to the sensation of his life slipping away from him.

And the things he saw as that happened.

It wasn’t something he could deny anymore. He couldn’t just explain it away and ignore it. Not after this.

As he had inched closer and closer to death, his last thoughts were of his sister, of course… and Keyleth. Beautiful, kind, vibrant Keyleth, always present in the back of his mind, being pulled to the forefront as he died, as if to say  _you wasted too much time in denial, asshole_.

After Pyrah and his conversation with Vex, he knew he couldn’t keep telling himself that his behavior with Keyleth was the same as it was with the rest of his friends. Someone else had seen it, had commented on it, so he couldn’t just pretend it didn’t exist. But he had written it off as a crush. Of course he’d have a crush on Keyleth. She was beautiful, sweet, smart, and brave. What man wouldn’t develop a bit of crush?

Now though, he knew. It was so much more than just a crush. He couldn’t pretend that it wasn’t anymore.

Everything made so much more sense now. It had been a pure  _need_  to just be around her that had led to him wanting to help her with her scrollmaking, offering his assistance even though he had no idea what he was doing. It was jealousy that had been squeezing against his chest, causing his hands and jaw to clench and his teeth to grind in Vasselheim. And it had been love that made him jump after Keyleth in Pyrah, not a single thought given to the lava and his fear that, previously, had been almost paralyzing.

He loved her. No, that wasn’t right. He loved his sister. He loved Pike and Scanlan, and Percy and Tiberius and even Grog. He was  _in love_  with Keyleth. It was impossible to deny it now.

 _Fuck_.

It could never work. The only person who had ever been truly close to him was Vex. He wasn’t even sure how to let someone else into his life in that way. And she had her responsibilities she would have to eventually return to. She’d finish her AraMente and return to the Air Ashari and become headmaster. How would that work? Would he ask her to abandon all of that to stay with him? Or would he go with her? That would mean leaving Vex behind. He wondered if maybe she would come with him, if her desire for a place to truly call home would ever outweigh her wanderlust and her thirst to see everything and get whatever new treasure she could find.

And gods… Vex. She had been snippy and unpleasant when she was only suspicious that there was  _something_  weird going on with him in regards to Keyleth. How would she act when she found out he was  _in love_? How was she going to feel about him wanting to bring another person into their little, tight-knit world?

Of course, it was likely none of this mattered. Keyleth was practically a princess. She could have anyone she wanted, and he certainly wasn’t the only one who wanted her. Kashaw had shown him that. Why would she want someone like him? He was little more than a thief with a tendency to make bad decisions and habit of unintentionally hurting people he cared about. Even if she, by some magic, did want him, how could he do that to her? How could he saddle her with someone like him, who would inevitably cause her nothing but pain.

A knock at his door interrupted his thoughts.

“Come in,” he called, trying to look like he hadn’t been in the middle of a life altering realization.

As if Vax needed proof that fate was cruel, the door opened, and Keyleth’s head peeked through.

“Hi,” she said, her voice uncertain.

“Hi,” he said, unhappy with the way he sounded so completely stunned.

“Can I come in?”

“Yes! Of course.”

The door opened completely as Keyleth walked in, looking like she had come to see him right in the middle of getting ready for bed. She had taken off her headpiece and her boots, leaving her padding into his room with bare feet, but she was still dressed in what she had worn to the dinner at the palace, now dirty, bloodied, and pretty much ruined. He found himself entranced by the way her hair was hanging around her face, slightly crimped from where her headpiece had pressed into it, and the way her toes looked against his floor. It was strange, seeing her like this, as though she had taken off a certain kind of armor and was letting him see underneath it.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I mean… you almost died tonight…” she rambled, her fingers hooking together and releasing, squeezing each other and letting go as they fiddled and fretted in front of her, the way they always did when she was nervous.

Vax tried to smile, to make some expression that might comfort her. “I’m fine, Kiki. Really. You don’t have to worry.”

“I know. I just…” she trailed off, standing in front of him for a long moment before rushing forward, wrapping her arms around him.

His own arms wrapped around her slowly, cautious in a way he probably never would have been before his recent realization. Keyleth’s hold on him was strong and fierce, as though she thought if she didn’t hold on tight enough he might disappear. His, in turn, was gentle, almost reverent, not quite able to believe this was happening, that he wasn’t still slipping into unconsciousness on the lawn of the palace.

“You need to be more careful, Vax. You HAVE to be more careful,” she said, a tightness in her voice that told him she was trying not to cry.

It was that desperation that came so close to breaking him. Could he really promise that? Could he truly change? He’d always been impulsive. He’d always been one to act before thinking. Even if he wanted to change so that he didn’t wind up in situations like he did tonight, scaring the people he loved, scaring  _her_ , would he really be able to? How could he continue to put her through nights like they’d just gone through when he loved her as much as he did?

Instead of expressing any of this to her, he just said, “I will be. I promise.”

He felt Keyleth let out a relieved breath as the air she pushed out moved across his neck and jaw. She pulled back so that she could look into his eyes, still holding onto him, and said, “Thank you.” Two words, so heartfelt, one would think he had just promised to take a dagger to the heart for her.

And he would. Gods help him, he would.

She smiled at him, and Vax knew he couldn’t help the look on his face. He was sure that he was telegraphing every single thing he felt for her, as clear as if he was speaking it.

But she just continued smiling as she said, “Goodnight, Vax.”

“Goodnight,” he whispered back, his heart feeling like it was going to beat right out of his chest.

One last, big smile, a little sniffle, and an awkward giggle, and she released him, walking back to the door, her bare feet hitting the floor of his room with small, soft shuffling sounds. Just before leaving, she turned back to him, her hand on the door knob, and rested her head against the edge of the open door, gazing at him. “You really mean it, right? You really promise?”

 _Gods, I hope so_. “I do.”

“Good,” she replied, sending one last, radiant smile his way before walking out, closing the door behind her.

Vax sank back down to the bed, his head in his hands once more.

 _Fuck_.


End file.
